


101 Uncomfortable Positions (Or, How to Not Impress Your Girlfriend in the Bedroom)

by lady_blackwell



Category: The Closer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 10:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_blackwell/pseuds/lady_blackwell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brenda buys a sex book to try and spice things up in the bedroom with Sharon. It doesn't go over so well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 Uncomfortable Positions (Or, How to Not Impress Your Girlfriend in the Bedroom)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UbiquitousMixie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousMixie/gifts).



> The sex book I mention Brenda buying in this fic is real, you can find it on Scribd (or I can send it to you, just ask me in your comments). Many thanks to Margot and Sara for giving wonderful suggestions, and to Dee for beta reading this.

Sharon Raydor knew something was up with her girlfriend. It had started during their lunch date, which Brenda had left early to go back to their condo because she had ‘forgotten something’. It had continued on their drive home, when the blonde chatterbox was unusually quiet, and through dinner as well. The discovery of the Amazon box with the recyclables heightened Sharon’s suspicions. Now, she was in bed, with Brenda rummaging through something in the living room. The object of her thoughts entered, with her hands behind her back and a shy look on her face, and Sharon rolled her eyes and reiterated the question she had been asking all night.

 

“Brenda, what is going on? What did you do?” When Brenda twitched yet again, she sighed. Her girlfriend must really be _up to something_ if she was being that fidgety over a simple question. Unless she had eaten an entire box of ding-dongs at work, which she couldn’t have because she made sure there was an actual box in the drawer before they left, and because she realized Brenda was hiding something behind her back. That, and the fact she knew Sharon hated surprises.

 

“Brenda,” Sharon said in a low voice similar to what she used when her children were lying to her when they were younger, or when Brenda was trying to get out of doing paperwork, again. She glared over her glasses and her girlfriend finally broke.

 

“I just thought it would be fun for us to try something new and exciting. Together. You know so much more about this whole _thing_ than I do,” she said, waving her hands around for emphasis, not that Sharon needed to know what she meant by _thing_ , Brenda was still a bit of a prude when it came to sex, “And I just wanted to explore some new things with you. So I went online and ordered this.” Brenda triumphantly pulled a book out from behind her back, which had two naked women on the cover, younger than both of them and with one’s arms wrapped around the other.

 

Sharon was sure her eyebrows had disappeared into her scalp as she read the title: _Lesbian Sex (101 Lovemaking Positions)_. Brenda was nervous because she had bought a book about lesbian sex positions? Granted, Sharon admired Brenda’s courage to explore this whole new part of her sexuality, but resorting to buy a lesbian sex position book (and book that advertised itself as a ‘lovemaking’ book no less) was practically cringe-worthy.

 

“Sharon?”

 

“Okay…Fine, give it here. Let’s take a look at this and see if there are any _lovemaking_ positions that will be suitable for us to try.”

 

Brenda grinned triumphantly and snuggled into a pillow, which caused Sharon to smile in return. _She is cute when she isn’t being an obstructive pain in the ass_ , Sharon thought as she flipped to the first position, read the description, and groaned.

 

“Brenda, what the hell is this?”

 

The woman in question blinked owlishly. “What, there’s something wrong with it?”

 

“Wrong with it? It’s only the first position and I’m already cringing.” She cleared her throat and began to read, “Lilith and Eve. This lovemaking position is all about Eve, who lies on her back, her legs wrapped around the seated Lilith. Eve’s every indulgence is catered to by the attentive Lilith who caresses Eve’s breasts and tugs her nipples before tending to Eve’s fruit.” Sharon paused and gave her a withering look. “If the author has to compare you and your partner to semi-fictitious Abrahamic figures and your sexual organs to fruit to get the point across, Brenda, then they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

 

“Okay, so that one sounds bad.  And was written badly. But it’s just the first one! What about this one?” Brenda said, trying to salvage her dignity by flipping back to the table of contents (positions?), hoping to distract Sharon with another, this one called ‘The Bush Agenda.’ “I flipped through when I got the book and I’m sure it has something to do with oral.”

 

Sharon snorted as she flipped to the description, "Brenda, putting a pillow under your back while I go down on you does not a new position make." At Brenda’s pout, she added, “Besides why would I want to participate in a sex position named after one of the more homophobic presidents of the 21st century? I find it difficult to believe this person is someone has had a sexual encounter with any woman, let alone a lesbian.”

 

Brenda hung her head and pulled the book out of Sharon’s hands, “I didn’t know it was going to be so bad. I’ll return it, I guess…”

 

Sharon softened at the hurt look on Brenda’s face. Despite her misguided intent, Brenda was trying, and Sharon appreciated it. Somewhat. “No, wait,” she said, “How about we keep looking through it? I know some of them are bad, but I really appreciate what you’re trying to do with exploring your sexuality with me. We can flip through them and laugh at the bad ones. If you don’t get it, I’ll explain to you exactly what’s wrong, okay?”

 

Brenda nodded enthusiastically and handed the book back over to Sharon. She snuggled into the older woman’s chest and flipped to the table of contents. “Ooooh, Pussy Melt. That sounds like something that would make all the girls swoon.”

 

“Or a disgusting tuna fish sandwich,” Sharon replied, which earned her a slap on the chest and a glare. She flipped to the position. “Ugh, scissoring,” she groaned, wrinkling her nose, “Doesn’t anybody realize that _nobody_ thinks about scissoring except for horny white men?”

 

Brenda wrinkled her nose as well. “That does look extremely uncomfortable,” she said as she flipped to another page. “Saturn’s Rings. Hey, that sounds just like the other one, except we use a double-ended dildo! Can we – “

 

“Double-ended dildos _suck_ , Brenda Leigh,” Sharon said, cutting her off, “There’s a reason I haven’t used one when we’re having sex. They’re floppy and smell horrible. Like Andy Flynn’s dick: the maker has it seem as if it’s the best thing in the world, but in reality it’s a poor, limp model that should have been cast off years ago.” Sharon yelped as Brenda bit her shoulder. “Brenda, _what_?!”

 

“No more talking about Andy Flynn’s dick in our bed or else I might have to do something to you to show him that you’re all mine,” she said, gently nipping at Sharon’s neck to get the point across. She flipped to a random page. “Tribade Tirade. Uhhhhh…” she struggled to find something to say as she took in the description.

 

“I know, I haven’t been that flexible since my 20s,” Sharon said, flipping to one that was called the ‘Double Header’. “Again, giving 69-ing a new name does not make it a new position!” she exclaimed, adding, “And what’s the obsession with having simultaneous orgasms? Really?”

 

Brenda rolled her eyes and tried to flip more to the back, landing on one called the ‘Tea for Two’, which had the two women pictured uncomfortably contorted into chairs, rubbing against each other’s thighs. “Even I can’t find something remotely appealing about that one.”

 

“Agreed. What kind of sexual pleasure do you get from that, unless you get off on a hernia?” Sharon flipped a few more pages. “Nip, Tuck. I’m not even going to comment on that one.” She moved to turn to another page in the book, but felt Brenda nod into her shoulder, sit up, close the book, and remove her glasses. “What are you doing?”

 

“I have to say, all the bad stuff in this book is making me want to do some good things with you to prove them wrong,” Brenda said, pushing the book off of Sharon and crawling on top, kissing her deeply. Sharon wanted to get out of bed and put the book away before, but Brenda pinched her nipples and she forgot all about that. Sharon whimpered as Brenda yanked off her tank top and kissed down her breasts and stomach, then removed her shorts and panties. Sharon whimpered as Brenda kissed her down the inside of her thighs and along her hip. For such a bad book, it ensured her she was going to get laid tonight, and for that she was grateful.

 

“Give me that pillow,” Brenda said, tucking it under Sharon’s hips and draping Sharon’s legs over her shoulders, “I’m gonna plunder your bush without leaving room for an exit strategy.” Sharon’s groan of annoyance at the bad joke turned into a groan of pleasure and fingers tangled into blonde hair as Brenda settled in and put her mouth to good use.

 

The book lay forgotten on the floor for the rest of the night.


End file.
